Healing In Terror
I see artists, musicians, and performers living and expressing themselves so wonderfully true. Precious self-expression that I feel little connection to.
My fragmented nervous system making efforts over years to mend while societal systems are failing and mimicking the terror I have felt and still feel throughout my life. It feels impossible to bear.
Regarding an employment opportunity, I'm doubting the systems to keep me safe. Sensing that I will be exploited and more of my life will be destroyed.
I do feel depressive to say that I am nobody, but there remains the person who had previously fought with a voice against the terror. The person feels injured but understanding of what I'm saying. What I'm feeling.
How anyone who is similar to me is making any meaningful living out of this life is entirely strange. Where do they make meaning?
When in this state, I must write it out. How depressing it is when I no longer write in joy any more.
friends
It is so unfortunate when a friend inquires what I will do with my degrees I get deeply defensive and annoyed. I had a few ideas but they slipped out of my interest... temporarily. I don't have a clue of who I am and to be questioned when I can't answer is infuriating, I guess. She is just curious but I hate any pressure to rapidly figure out who I am when I don't really think about it. I even have a small notebook dedicated to my characteristics and ideas of goals as a quick reference. Don't care what it says right now, though.
I'm tired, I'm aching, my stomach is off. I can't write anymore for now.